2014…. oh, 2014…. as this year comes to a close I’m so glad to see it go. It hasn’t been a hard year as far as practical purposes go…. family/work/money… all the big stuff was okay. But my guts? Not so good. By guts I mean my spirit – I mean my soul and all the trappings that come with it. All of this new found wisdom and knowledge was put to the test and never has “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” been more true for me.
The year started off a struggle. Everything felt like a struggle. Setting any kind of goals was so much work. Then, struggle shifted to anger, then flipped into desperation, which morphed into sadness and faded into apathy. There was so much going on but mostly what I noticed at the start of the summer was the desperation around my body, how it looked and how others perceived it. The entire month of July I would wake up – worried about my body, what I ate, if I exercised…. the usual menu that gets served with the diet culture. In August, I did a half-hearted round of protocol; it was all about controlling my body and I treated it like a diet. All I cared about were results and control.
The apathy came with August …. and it frightened me. I have experienced depression in my life but it has always been situational – like, having a kid diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis for instance. That makes you sad, then mad, then angry, then… you get the picture… I worked the grieving process pretty much like the text books say. This apathy of August didn’t feel like this situational depression though – it felt like the kind I read about during mental illness awareness campaigns… you can’t care because you don’t care and I spent most of August just “existing”.
Enter beautiful, wonderful, fresh-start September and I had no choice but to feed my soul. It was like my soul took over! As if it said “Listen Kelly, I’ve been trying to gently nudge you on track but quite frankly you suck at it so let me take the wheel here and I’ll show you what I’m talking about”… and it has been glorious! I’ve stumbled… even crashed a little… our damn egos always want “more, more, more” … but I’ve come away this fall with some knowledge that I MUST share.
These are the 3 big “Ahas” for me:
1. Get Over Yourself: I don’t know why it’s been so hard for me to really let this one sink in. Conditioning I suppose. The current state of the work that I am doing most likely. I am coaching women through a weight release protocol and I don’t feel like I have achieved the body of a person who has any business coaching women through a weight release protocol! And that’s the point… the point is I was put on this earth for something far more important than giving the world an appealing body to look at. I have had to get over the fact that people’s perceptions of me are going to be what they’re going to be but my message is important. Until we get over ourselves – until we stop giving a flying fuck what other people (ourselves included) think of our appearance – we cannot live up to our soul’s reason for being.
2. Fake It ‘Til You Make It: I’m still faking it from time to time. Woo-wee, there are still some days when the shame of having a less than perfect appearance make it tough for me to leave the house. I used to go to the gym on these days. I used to punish my body for my perceptions of imperfection and I would claim that the “feel good endorphins” lifted my spirits. I suppose there was some truth to that. The bigger truth? What felt the most good? I felt like I had given my body a good talking to, a good spanking, for being less than. My body was the enemy and I had just pulled it into the chamber of torture and worked it over real good! Now on my faking it days I’m ever so gentle with myself. I treat myself the way we treat a friend who is going through a tough time. I’m gentle and quiet. I’m reflective and supportive. Yoga, lots of water, good clean food, meditation, laughter with friends, dirty jokes and sex…
3. Less Is More: I’m not busy. I’m focused. I’m focused on work and hobbies and pleasures that leave no room for insecurity or self-doubt. The trouble is that sometimes our egos get so excited by these feelings of purpose and the rush of accomplishment – we start talking on too much and focused turns into busy turns into burn-out. Balance is bullshit but you can strike a nice middle-ground with life. I say “YES!” to coffee dates and luxurious afternoons of considering the cosmos and whether or not Angels exist. I say “NO” to too much, set boundaries, get as close to “balance” as I can. This all leaves room for a whole lot of “Maybe” which is where the magic of possibility and potential exists.
So… 2014. I loved the challenges. I loved the final Release of it all. I am bursting with anticipation for the all that I KNOW 2015 will be. So… why am I telling YOU this? I want you to come with me. I want you to drink our kool-aid and realize that just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. I hope you’ll consider that any “truth” that makes you feel less than is likely a lie. I’m bursting with the opportunities that 2015 will bring to our little corner of the Universe of innovative, sometimes even “blow your mind” thinking we have to offer.
Are you thinking about Resolutions for 2015? Are they the usual? Weight loss, eat healthy, get organized… blah, blah, blah…. Or are you just planning on giving up? You would like to change but think that maybe the stumble you’ve been doing might just be easier? Just give us a chance. Reach out. Share your struggles. Let us help you really dig deep and find out what the real problems surrounding your body, your weight, your health… We’ve got lots of fun things up our sleeves for 2015 and would love to have you along for the ride 🙂