This video featuring Brene Brown and her speech on vulnerability has been floating around for awhile and I have never taken the time to watch it… until yesterday.

I probably spent 1/2 of it bawling my eyes out because it rang so true for me as itapplied to my body image and self-love.  It was the very first time that I was 1000% certain that I was going to find myself on the other side of this battle very soon and breathe the sweet fresh air of finally living authentically and in the moment…  I do have some work to do but I see now that it can be done and that I have the strength and the knowledge and the ability to do it!  I am WORTHY of this personal freedom.

But first, I have one last war with my demons…. all of them…  Brene Brown talks about how we Numb ourselves out to deal with uncomfortable feelings and I have been doing that for decades… I numb… but not anymore.  The fact is, if anyone is struggling with contentment – they are likely numbing themselves…. the balance of this post will talk about numbing as it pertains to weight issues and attitudes.

WE NUMB

Some of us turn to pills, to alcohol, to exercise, to cigarettes…. to FOOD.

We are all NUMB!

We go through these motions too afraid to finally admit that we aren’t afraid of fat – NOW we’re afraid of what life will look like if we stop fearing fat!!  Who would we be? Who would we be with? What would we think? What would we look like?

So we NUMB.

Your problem isn’t your weight.  Read that again.  Your problem isn’t your weight.  It’s the numbness, it’s the fear, it’s the guilt, it’s the shame!

We will all argue (very effectively and justifiably) that we all have been conditioned to BELIEVE these things.  We have been brainwashed to BELIEVE that true happiness and contentment will be found at the end of a diet in a string bikini.  That’s the hard sell… that’s what people who are selling shit do to get you to buy their shit!

So we try the hard sell and succeed for a minute, only to fail again (’cause remember success is measured by your ability to manipulate your body into giving you a certain number on the scale)… and then we feel sorry for ourselves… we tell the same sad sad stories of when we started to diet.. we regurgitate the stories of the times we were told we were fat or were made to feel fat.  We remember with longing the times we got “there” only to remind ourselves that we didn’t enjoy it as much as we imagined… ’cause we were still scared – we were still numbing.  We talk about the times when we tracked ever calorie, every rep, every heart beat and bead of sweat… We talk about times that we felt
SO.
IN.
CONTROL.

NEWSFLASH:  Life is not meant to be controlled!  It is not meant to be measured or compared or tracked or monitored.  Life is meant to be LIVED!  And as long as you numb yourself you will never be content in the moments, you will never love the skin you are in, you will never be happy with the simplicity that life has to offer.

Get REAL, stare your shame and your guilt square in the eye and tell it you are NOT fanning it’s flames any longer!  Reach out to us!   Listen, we give you the drops, you follow the book… you go on your way… But if you are really, really, struggling still that’s the part that we love about our Company – the chance to change lives forever and help set people FREE!

worthy

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There is a strange contradiction to what I do and how I help people… sometimes I hate that I have to market our products as weight loss products… I cant’ stand the before and after pictures, the announcing of how much weight people have “lost”, I hate feeding the beast of FAT FEAR.

However, you do in fact lose weight when you use our products… a lot… quite quickly… so we work very, very hard to prepare you mentally to un-do all of the reasons that you have lost this weight before and gain it back.  The first thing we identify with people is that if they have yo-yo’d all of their lives then nothing about their “weight problem” has anything to do with weight.  Typically, the real problem are the ones created by the diet and exercise industry; the obsessive tracking, the “no pain, no gain” and the very worst of all… fat shaming and fear of fat.

For us to imply that we don’t know that people have found ways to abuse our products to continue this cycle of self-loathing, and body-shame would be both ignorant and irresponsible of us. We know that people are continuing the binge purge cycle.   However, we try, clients refuse this help.  It hurts me to know that people are still hurting even after an “almost encounter” with what we have to offer.  However, we must move on. We must move on and celebrate the changes we are seeing in ourselves and people that we have come to love and care about very much.

There are always going to be companies and clients that make our products look bad… but it’s another funny juxtaposition… if a person using our products – loses weight – gains it back – it’s the products that don’t work.  If a person loses weight by exercising aggressively and tracking their food and gain it back – it’s THEIR FAULT.  The real culprit here is people not identifying what the real problem is…. WE CAN DO THAT.  We can FINALLY set you FREE.  We can TEACH you ways to take control of YOUR body.

We must focus on the people that we do help and the lives that we are changing…. somedays.. .when I’m having a really bad day I just have to think about how far I have come.  It has been just over a year since I kept a “food diary” – something that I did almost daily for about 13 years.  I also kept an “exercise diary” complimented with a “reasons I suck diary”.  Do you see that if these tools really worked for me I would not have needed to lose weight (or thought I needed to lose – let’s not forget the “imaginary fat” decade!).  For some, I think these tools work, if losing weight or not gaining weight are the only measures of success.  However, I can tell you from personal experience that feeling guilt and shame about food and/or missing a workout and keeping journals about all of the depressing reasons why you just can’t seem to lose weight… does not a happy life make.

Throw away your scale.  Eat when you are hungry.  Stop when you are satisfied.  Move your body joyfully, deliberately, kindly.  Keep a journal about all of the reasons that you and your life are awesome.  This is what our “weight loss program” teaches you… you will find by and large most of what we promote has little to do with weight.   Our products act as a “hormonal re-set” and give you the opportunity to learn EXACTLY what your body needs.   The weight you lose is like a “motivational bonus”!

The thinking and belief system that I subscribed to for decades is deeply bedded in my psyche… some days I still consider food tracking, some days I still consider pushing my body beyond its’ limits, some days I still look in the mirror and hate what I see – it’s not all going to happen over night.  I imagine I kind of feel like the first people who began to realize that the earth was round…  I now KNOW the earth is round… like I KNOW none of the last 30 years of diet torture  served me… but goddammit… somedays I wake up positive the earth is still flat.   Those are the days I feed my soul – not starve my body.

What I know for sure is that I have experienced a shift that is creating a mind/body balance that I have never experienced – what I know for sure is that I have been RELEASED from the cruel, cruel world of diets and fat fear.  What I know for sure is that I have watched people shed and RELEASE far more than weight.  I have watched people blossom into the people they were MEANT to be and that INSPIRES me to keep the faith!

release

I have been marinating on this blog post and how I feel about all of this for about 10 days now.  10 days ago I took my girls for vaccine updates…  My oldest, the picture of health, has not been to a doctor for years.. we have never tracked her height and weight and I thought it would be “fun” to see where she is at.  It never occurred to me for a single solitary second that it would go sideways…

You see, my girl comes from hearty Irish/Dutch/Norwegian stock… her paternal grandmother is 5 foot 10 and her paternal great-grandmother is 6 feet… I think we have established that I too am built to last! So, needless to say she is tall and solid.  It never occurred to me that her “numbers” would result in a conversation about her BMI, her activity levels, her nutrition…  She is off the charts for other girls her age… I was not surprised… I was, however, shocked that her “numbers” would lead to the nurse cautioning us that we might want to start watching her weight.  Not once did the nurse really look at her and say “well, clearly the numbers aren’t the only measure of health”… My girl is the very picture of health and child-hood happiness.

THIS is where it starts….  This is where the seeds are planted that girls need to have their numbers fall in some range of “normal” or they will be “abnormal”, they will be offensive to look at, they will be… god forbid… different.

I will forever be scarred by the 5th grade weigh-in… you know, the one in health class where I outweighed every single student (boys included) except for the kid Martha that was working on the 5th grade for the 3rd time… I remember being told in front of all of my classmates that I needed to watch my weight… I was 10. I was pre-pubescent. I was told by my teacher that because my body didn’t look like all of the other kids (’cause lets face it… there’s not much difference between girls and boys at this point).  This experience was not the only contributing factor to my obsessive monitoring of the number on the scale but it sure as hell didn’t help.

It also made me wonder how the numbers affect boys.. The boys who are told they are too small and the idea that this makes them “un-manly”… or even the girls, the girls that are “too skinny”… is their femininity called into question.

It’s just time to let good healthy eating and good healthy movement be the measure of health.

Thankfully, much of the language was over my girls head and thus she left there none-the-wiser… I am grateful it happened… it’s a new discussion for us to have and this is what we discuss…. take care of your body… you can’t help how it will look… love it anyway… worry about your character and being kind and bright and contributing “Real” beauty to the world… the kind of beauty that can be “felt”… Oh gawd, I sure do hope I get this right.

she was beautiful

out of business

How many industries would go out of business?  It’s true, it’s true, it’s true.

Want to know the more amazing thing that would happen?  All the free head space you would have to fill up with love and compassion and zest for life!

Your challenge should you choose to accept it is to start today…. not 10, 15, 20, 200 pounds from now, not once you have found the right product to get rid of the cellulite on your ass, not once you have saved your money to botox that weird little Klingon type thing going on between your eyebrows…  Love it all today, love it because it’s wonderful spectacular you.  Love it because you are BETTER than this!  You are SMARTER than this!  Your soul deserves far more than the guilt and shame you torture yourself with over too many “fun sized” Kit-kats.
START LOVING ALL OF YOURSELF TODAY!

It’s not easy, believe me I know, I still stumble and falter…  I get caught up in the cellulite and weird little thing going on between my eyebrows..  but I change my thoughts. You don’t have to listen to this voice in your head.

As we approach the holiday season, what if you decided to focus on something far more important than what your body looks like.  What if every time you felt bad about yourself you undertook to collect some food for the food bank, or rallied some friends to get winter coats to the needy… what if you promised every time you stood in front of the mirror and made the “blechy” face you would perform a random act of kindness?

All those businesses that prey upon our weakness rely on that “blechy” face but what if we turned it into something AMAZE-BALLS???

I look forward to hearing all of your results 🙂

I have taken a few days to write this one which is not like me at all…. I usually barf out what I am feeling in a fury… typing as quickly as my brain can talk to my fingers… but this – this was different.  The reason this one is different for me is because it’s the message that gets tangled up with “health and fitness”…. and implies that at the end of the day how your body looks is a direct reflection of the level of your health and fitness.

In writing this post I had many, many discussions with people that I love and respect.  Many have changed their lives by digging deep and considering what their “excuses” are – they did, in fact, find this mantra motivating and inspiring.  I would hazard to guess that many fitness professionals would say with all sincerity that this is the intent of their message…  Others have opened up about their struggles with body image issues and how the have decided to look at these images and these words and throw up a big middle finger to them.  I’ll admit, this is what I want to do. Have a little rant and walk away…  but walking away is not what I am meant to do.  This matters.  Standing up and saying “E-fucking-nough” matters…. in a world where I want to raise amazing women that aren’t afraid to take up as much space in this Universe as they want because they are entitled to it.  This matters.  To me.

I typed out my excuses and then I realized that I was feeding the beast…  Still justifying my life and the way I choose to approach my health.  So,  I’m not going to give you my excuses…. I’m trying my very best to quit apologizing to myself or anyone about why my body doesn’t quite measure up to societies unrealistic standards of beauty.  Do you know I have spent 30 years providing my excuses?  Do you know that leaving my poor soul and heart open to everyone’s criticism and judgment did nothing to enrich my life?  Do you know I still struggle everyday to remind myself to love my body?  To love my body as is;  wonderfully round, beautifully squishy, somewhat athletic, tired from all of this  torture…

The trouble with the “What’s Your Excuse” campaign, in my humble opinion,  is that it puts women right back in the spotlight of judgment – we are hard enough on ourselves – the fact that we need to create a laundry list (crap, I need to get some laundry done) of reasons why we can’t find time for a 60 minute bootcamp does us such a great disservice.

While my head was swimming with all of the things I want to say about “What’s Your Excuse” I actually googled the word “Excuse”…. This is the defintion:

excuse
verb
verb: excuse; 3rd person present: excuses; past tense: excused; past participle: excused; gerund or present participle: excusing
ɪkˈskjuːz,ɛk-/
  1. 1.
    seek to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offence); try to justify.
    “he did nothing to hide or excuse Jacob’s cruelty”
    synonyms: justify, defend, make excuses for, make a case for, explain (away), rationalize, condone, vindicate, warrant; More

    apologize for;
    forgive, overlook, disregard, ignore, pass over, turn a blind eye to, turn a deaf ear to, wink at, blink at, indulge, tolerate, sanction;
    “such conduct can never be excused”
    antonyms: condemn
    • forgive (someone) for a fault or offence.
      “you must excuse my brother”
      synonyms: forgive, pardon, absolve, exonerate, acquit; More

      make allowances for;
      informallet someone off (the hook);
      “eventually she excused him, as she always did”
      antonyms: punish, blame
    • overlook or make allowances for.
      “sit down—excuse the mess”
    • (of a fact) serve to mitigate (a person or act).
      “his ability excuses most of his faults”
  2. 2.
    release (someone) from a duty or requirement.
    “it will not be possible to excuse you from attendance”
    synonyms: let off, release, relieve, exempt, spare, absolve, free, liberate; More

    “she has been excused from her duties for now”
    antonyms: hold to
    • (used in polite formulas) allow (someone) to leave a room or gathering.
      “and now, if you’ll excuse us, duty calls”
    • say politely that one is leaving.
      “I had to excuse myself and go out of the room”
    • (used by school pupils) be allowed to leave the room, especially to go to the toilet.
      “please, Miss, can I be excused?”
noun
noun: excuse; plural noun: excuses
ɪkˈskjuːs,ɛk-/
  1. 1.
    a reason or explanation given to justify a fault or offence.
    “there can be no excuse for any further delay”
    synonyms: justification, defence, reason, explanation, mitigating circumstances, mitigation, extenuation, palliation, vindication; More

    grounds, cause, basis, call;
    “that’s no excuse for stealing”
    • a reason put forward to conceal the real reason for an action; a pretext.
      “as an excuse to get out of the house she went to post a letter”
      synonyms: pretext, ostensible reason, pretence, front, cover-up, fabrication, evasion; More

      informalstory, alibi, line, cop-out;
      informalget-out
      “he needed an excuse to get away from his family”
    • US
      a note written by a doctor or parent excusing a pupil from school.
  2. 2.
    informal
    a poor or inadequate example of.
    “that pathetic excuse for a man!”
    synonyms: travesty of, apology for, poor specimen of, pitiful example of, mockery of; More

“A reason given to justify a fault or offence…”  Ahhhh, so that’s why it makes ME so uncomfortable…  it’s the “language” of it for me.  The implication that not working out is a “fault” or “offence” and that I feel the requirement to provide this laundry list (seriously, will someone go do my laundry?)  to “justify”

Another reason that the Maria Kang fiasco made me uncomfortable (besides the unrealistic message that everyone can have a body like hers if they just work hard enough)…  is this idea of how hard we have to workout….  As a retired gym rat I can tell you that I have spent many, many, many hours beating the crap out of my body and I have the longterm injuries to prove it.  It’s okay to consider dancing around your living room exercise, it’s okay to consider walking to playground exercise, it’s okay to actually ENJOY moving your body.. you don’t have to punish it.  However, if you genuinely enjoy bootcamps and crossfit, that’s okay too!  Find a way to move your body that inspires you into taking better care of it… for YOU, not for anyone else… move your body lovingly and actually for HEALTH…

Then, I read this, “release someone from a duty or requirement”… do you see what I see?

“RELEASE”

Release, Release, Release!!!  Only I can RELEASE how simple words make me feel, only I can change how being inundated with messages that my body and the way I workout is not good enough…. Only I can “EXCUSE” myself from letting Maria Kang, or Pinterest, or magazine covers affect my self-esteem.  We DO need to keep talking about this… we DO need to STOP judging each other!  We need to soften our language and reach out to all women and find ways to tell them that they are ENOUGH…. We need to let the people in our lives know that we see them, we see them doing the best that they can and we need to help each other find time to take care of our bodies.  Not feel criticized for not making this our number one priority.

So, while some might not get as caught up in the semantics of language…. obviously the chaos that ensued regarding Maria Kang’s photo makes it abundantly clear that words and images and reading between the lines MATTERS.  That image and those words cut millions, if not billions of women off at the knees by communicating to them that if they don’t find the time to make their bodies look like hers; their bodies suck, their excuses suck, and their parenting sucks…  and, well… that sucks.

So… what’s a girl to do?  All I can do is share what’s working for me…  I always come back to words that inspire my thoughts and this is where it took me:  There is a principle of Yoga called “Ahimsa”… which essentially means “do no harm” it is the very essence of self-care, the fuel for taking care of ourselves which in turn helps us take care of others…. I LOVE this word, I LOVE this language, I LOVE that now I take a softer approach when I ask myself and others about what they are doing to take care of themselves.  I love ideas that inspire us to take better care of our bodies because we deserve it, we are worthy.  I want to see women motivating other women to make self-care a non-negotiable practice – not another thing that causes us to feel guilty about yet another thing we didn’t do perfectly.

I changed my language, I released the guilt, it’s so much easier to fit healthy movement into your day when you release yourself from the expectations of what it needs to look like.  Right now yoga is my preferred method of fitness and somedays I rock a 60 minute sesh and other days I lay on my mat for 5 minutes. What’s the difference? I am listening to my body and giving it what it needs.

So, while I am struggling to keep my finger firmly on my point… this is it…  it’s okay that the “What’s Your Excuse” phrase makes you uncomfortable, or feel guilty, or downright furious… The fact is, my excuses, or your excuses or our neighbour’s excuses are no one’s business.  If this phrase makes you uncomfortable – you need to figure out why.  If this phrase makes you feel guilty – you need to love yourself more.  If this phrase makes you downright furious – you need to talk about it and let the world know that it’s time to change the messages we are sending to people about their bodies and their health!!

Peace Out!

Namaste!

*drops the mic*

Not too long ago I was kind of crying in my Cornflakes (yep, I eat Cornflakes from time to time – GMO’s be damned, lol)…. About all of the life I have wasted feeling so insecure about my body, my weight, my appearance.  It made me realize that none of what I was feeling was about my body, my weight, my appearance … it was all about my perception of these things and that no amount of dieting or exercising was going to make me love them…  only acceptance and surrender would take me there.

I began writing steps for myself to achieve this self-love… it started only as my personal journal and is slowly evolving into a short book called “Release Revolution – 21 days To Loving Yourself”.  It has nothing to do with weightloss or your appearance… it is all about learning how to get to a place where you can “Release” all the demons that hold you back from stepping into your most authentic self!

On the very worst of my self-loathing days I would inevitably hear from a client about how well they were doing, how grateful they were for my coaching and our products and that would lift me into realizing that THIS is where I have been destined to land.  All of my “training” had been ultimately to teach others how to dig themselves out from under their poor self-esteem.  I can tell you THAT day was pretty magical….  It justified and validated so much of my life…. suddenly it didn’t feel like wasted years… it really felt like an education.

On October 18-20 I have been invited by the amazing Lauren Cowles to participate in her Retreat….  She is giving me an opportunity to workshop “Release Revolution”!!! I am freaking out with excitement!!  You can register for the Retreat here…  Can you imagine an entire weekend devoted to digging deep into your soul and finding nothing but love and then taking that inspiration and turning it into a beautiful piece of art for you to keep forever???  Well, it’s just amaze-balls if you ask me!

I am so proud of myself and our business’ message…. I cannot wait to take “Release Revolution” out for a spin and start letting others feel its’ impact!

* Interesting Kelly Tibbets fact... Mark Twain is a distant cousin of mine :)

* Interesting Kelly Tibbets fact… Mark Twain is a distant cousin of mine 🙂

 

 

So yesterday morning marked our first “Muffin Talk” in the park; we had a group of women sit and meet and discuss body image issues and how it’s time to let it go, we discussed tools on how to let it go, I even sent them home with a little homework 😉

In preparation for the meeting I told my 6 year old daughter what we were up to that day by explaining that we were going to meet at a park and I was going to talk to some Mamas about learning to love their bodies.  She looked at me; stunned and shocked and asked “Some Mamas don’t LOVE their bodies?” to which I replied “No” and then she offered me the following speech:

“But your feet… you can’t walk without feet,

And your legs, you need them to jump and run and play,

And your tummies, well your food would just fall out when you ate,

And your chest….  That’s where your HEART is and you need that to be KIND and COMPASSIONATE…”

Hmmm…. Can’t really say much more than that… Simple as that.

simple love

The quest for body perfection has become a tricky little bastard with a tricky little way to fool you…  It has wrapped itself up in “health”… as in, if you keep trying to get a perfect body you will be healthy… like counting every calorie and tracking every rep is a healthier way to eat and exercise…. Like having “6 pack” abs is a definition of health.  I have my own ideas now about extreme exercise that I won’t share – I really, really, want to end the cycle of judging others and how they choose to take care of their bodies but I also want other women to know that it’s okay to question this…. That it’s okay to wonder how exercising to the point of injury is “healthy”.

I recently had a very interesting conversation with a woman about this judgment.  We were talking about family vacations and she indicated that when they vacation with their whole family they really have to consider her father-in-law who has had 2 hip replacements since he was 55.  Yep, that’s right first hip replacement at 55.  He had always been an extreme athlete, played football through high school and college.  Often played when he was injured.  Then, he became a runner and often continued running against medical advice.  As she started to express how bad she felt for him I stopped her and I asked her how she would feel if her father-in-law was fat.  If he was obese and because of this obesity he had required 2 hip replacements in less than 20 years.  She agreed that this was a very interesting question – that many would see an obese person requiring these surgeries as a “they did it to themselves…” and cast judgment and possibly say derogatory things about the cost to our healthcare system.  And really, what’s the difference?  Her father-in-law mistreated his body too – just because his mistreatment made his body look good didn’t change the fact that his health was compromised by the way he treated his body.

I remember, before children, when I was “imaginary fat” – I always used to commiserate with my friends that I just wished that my body would reflect how hard I worked at the gym… Ugh, I want to hug that woman, and then slap her…  My body did reflect how hard I worked – I just didn’t “see” it… I will never quite understand how I managed to convince myself that if I just worked out harder and ate so much less that somehow that would make my legs and my torso longer…  it’s true, I was striving for a body that only someone a good 4 or 5 inches taller than myself would ever have!  That certainly speaks to the effective brainwashing of the diet and exercise industry.

In any event, I guess I am ready to change the dialogue – ready to ask the tough questions of people and how they view their own bodies as well as others.  It’s time to shift our attitudes about health and realize that the quest for skinny has never been about that.

body health

I met with a client yesterday and much of her story resonated with me… we both have been on “diets” and the quest for weight loss since before we were 10.  We both had mamas that struggled with their weight.  We both have 2 little girls that we will give anything, ANYTHING to not pass these body-image issue onto!

Through this whole process I have never said I am on a “diet”… I try my best to not moralize food… we don’t say certain foods are “bad” for you or “good” for you… we just talk about healthy choices.  I also try very hard to let my kids follow their hunger cues….  But there are things that are far more important than this….  They are watching and listening.  They see me look at myself in the mirror, they watch me step on the scale…. they listen to me talk to my friends… and as my husband says

“little cabbages have big ears…”

In just a few years time my influence on my daughters when it comes to body image will no longer be as substantial as their friends or the media so I have some work to do and I think it is of the utmost importance that they learn from a woman who feels good about her body and her appearance – but it’s a fine line too right?  I want to send the message loud and clear to them that what they look like is  just about the  smallest  part of being a WHOLE good person.

They are listening mamas… but not to the lip service you pay them when you are making their lunches or choosing a snack…  They watch you get ready for a date with their Dad, they see you turn and turn in front of the mirror and then frown, they hear you say the “F” word to your friends (FAT)….

If I succeed at one thing in my life – giving my girls a healthy attitude about their bodies would make me so proud… Listen to yourself today, watch yourself today… Could you do things differently?

body image scale

Oh my friends… having some weird times lately.  Feeling stuck, feeling overwhelmed and then feeling numb.  I realize that I have spent so much of my life in the pursuit of weight loss that I don’t know what to do with this free space in my head – so I dip my toe in the possibilities and everything comes rushing at once and I want to do it all… RIGHT NOW!  So… back to stuck again… and I run through the cycle.

So in noticing all of this lately – something else has been cropping up… some little part in my noggin’ that I thought was gone has started picking on me again… Those “After” pictures that I was so proud of 2 or 3 months ago are starting to look different to me. I am starting to criticize them and “find the fat” if you will.  It’s like this track in my brain wants to keep playing the same old song and dance and the only way it can get me to do that is to change what I see so it can keep me a prisoner of how I feel about my body.  So, now, instead of feeling proud of my “After” pictures I start to see where I could lose some more weight, where I could “tone” things up, where I need to ask the people that I’m coaching for forgiveness because I know my body isn’t “just right” so who am I to tell them how to change theirs???  Ugh, so gross.

So, now I see the cycle of the last year and everytime that asshole in my head started to pick on me and my body I would do another round of protocol… I would change my “After” picture a little bit more…  but something has changed that’s bigger than just an “After” picture…  I acknowledge that over a year ago when I was contemplating doing my first round of protocol I remember negotiating my little deal with the Universe… I remember saying “if I could JUST get there…” (with my weight) “I’ll be happy… I’ll be satisfied…”  and guess what? I’m there.. and most of the time I am happy and satisfied – but oh that asshole in my head!   I see decades… yep, I said it DECADES of wishing for a body I was NEVER going to have… Even when I was “imaginary fat” I was ALWAYS chasing 5 or 10 pounds…. 5 or 10 pounds kept me away from body satisfaction and made me a prisoner to diet and exercise…  So I see it now, truly – that even another round of protocol is not going to be the cure here…  It’s NOT about my body…

So… my solution?  No protocol.  Just maintenance. Just living. Just learning to treat my body with love and respect. Just yoga. Just sex. Just eating good food when I’m hungry.  Just celebrating life as it is.   Just being in THIS body. Right now.  To let who I want to be realize that I want to be so much more than a pant size or a number on the scale.  That I NEED to teach two amazing little girls that how much physical space they take up in this world is irrelevant to who they are and how much spiritual space they must contribute!

What a waste… what a waste… what a waste…. time to focus on things that I CAN change….

waste