Archives for posts with tag: body obsession

There is this book called “The Four Agreements”.  I read it years ago and whenever I kind of lose my center I always re-visit these guidelines.

I have been thinking a lot about one of the Agreements, which is, “Always Do Your Best”…. I suck at this.  I don’t suck when my best is my best… I suck when I feel like my best isn’t good enough.  To be frank, I still grapple with the idea that I can’t be the best version of myself until I think my body is “doing it’s best” and by “doing it’s best”, I mean looking the way I think it needs to look.

 

always do your best

When it came to 2014 I struggled to do my best in every arena of my life.  And, by my standards, constantly came up short.  It was, to say the least, a year of tests… hard ones.  As far as body image goes I feel like I literally spent 365 days worried about my weight, my appearance, my body and if I wasn’t worried about it I was worried about not worrying about it!  There were days when I was literally consumed by food/exercise and how it all affected my body.

July brought me to me knees – I felt out of control so I went back to the safety of protocol.  Just a little FYI – our protocol doesn’t work when it’s about CONTROL and RESULTS and thus is was a half-hearted attempt.  But it wasn’t a waste.  Finally in a strangely exquisite way.

THIS.

WAS.

ROCK.

BOTTOM.

I came into August with a level of Apathy that actually left me concerned.  I have suffered situational depression in my life.. .but this was different… this was not sadness – I just didn’t care. About anything.  Everyday was a struggle to muster up the energy to do anything.  It was the strangest feeling – this not caring.

I see now that I needed to get there to learn that not caring anymore was not going to kill me. That spending precious energy on making my body perfect was not going to absolve me from feeling imperfect.

I’m learning to love all of the lessons that 30 years of dieting has taught me…. in my heart it feels so liberating!  However, my brain is taking awhile to catch up… all this hard wiring of immersing myself in that culture is difficult to un-do.  Every day it’s gets a little closer to my heart and my soul. And my heart and my soul is where the real work needs to be done.

I am currently doing our Protocol. Along with several of our clients.  I feel very zen about it and whenever I am having a rough day I am finding ways to PERMANENTLY overcome all of these issues.

2014 was not the best example of myself and who I want to be and who I am capable of being… but I was “doing my best”. And that is enough.  ❤

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I feel like I have said this too many times to count over the last two years but I think it bears repeating…..  If you want to feel good about your body, if you want to set yourself free from insecurity surrounding your body…. You MUST accept your body;

All of it;

The scars;

The squishy flesh;

The shiny stretch marks;

The too short legs; and

The fwappy arms….

You must ACCEPT….. and then…. learn to love.

There is NOTHING I mean NOTHING good in this entire Universe that comes from hate…. hating your body will not force it into submission, will not erase your wobbly bits…  hating your shortcomings whether they are related to your physical appearance will not result in self-acceptance and love.

It’s okay if this concept seems ridiculously foreign to you.  It’s okay if right now this seems impossible…. but you can start… just a baby step.

Today – what if you started with love.  When you feel a hateful thought bubbling in your brain… what if you stopped it?  What if you said “Nope, not today” and moved onto something with love… maybe it’s too soon to direct a loving thought towards yourself…  do a loving thing… go find that book you have been meaning to dig into, knit a scarf, phone a friend…

Move through this world with love and the intention of love…. and then when you’re ready… Maybe think something loving about yourself.

Love is easy.

Hate is hard.

Simple as that.

 

love and hate

This video featuring Brene Brown and her speech on vulnerability has been floating around for awhile and I have never taken the time to watch it… until yesterday.

I probably spent 1/2 of it bawling my eyes out because it rang so true for me as itapplied to my body image and self-love.  It was the very first time that I was 1000% certain that I was going to find myself on the other side of this battle very soon and breathe the sweet fresh air of finally living authentically and in the moment…  I do have some work to do but I see now that it can be done and that I have the strength and the knowledge and the ability to do it!  I am WORTHY of this personal freedom.

But first, I have one last war with my demons…. all of them…  Brene Brown talks about how we Numb ourselves out to deal with uncomfortable feelings and I have been doing that for decades… I numb… but not anymore.  The fact is, if anyone is struggling with contentment – they are likely numbing themselves…. the balance of this post will talk about numbing as it pertains to weight issues and attitudes.

WE NUMB

Some of us turn to pills, to alcohol, to exercise, to cigarettes…. to FOOD.

We are all NUMB!

We go through these motions too afraid to finally admit that we aren’t afraid of fat – NOW we’re afraid of what life will look like if we stop fearing fat!!  Who would we be? Who would we be with? What would we think? What would we look like?

So we NUMB.

Your problem isn’t your weight.  Read that again.  Your problem isn’t your weight.  It’s the numbness, it’s the fear, it’s the guilt, it’s the shame!

We will all argue (very effectively and justifiably) that we all have been conditioned to BELIEVE these things.  We have been brainwashed to BELIEVE that true happiness and contentment will be found at the end of a diet in a string bikini.  That’s the hard sell… that’s what people who are selling shit do to get you to buy their shit!

So we try the hard sell and succeed for a minute, only to fail again (’cause remember success is measured by your ability to manipulate your body into giving you a certain number on the scale)… and then we feel sorry for ourselves… we tell the same sad sad stories of when we started to diet.. we regurgitate the stories of the times we were told we were fat or were made to feel fat.  We remember with longing the times we got “there” only to remind ourselves that we didn’t enjoy it as much as we imagined… ’cause we were still scared – we were still numbing.  We talk about the times when we tracked ever calorie, every rep, every heart beat and bead of sweat… We talk about times that we felt
SO.
IN.
CONTROL.

NEWSFLASH:  Life is not meant to be controlled!  It is not meant to be measured or compared or tracked or monitored.  Life is meant to be LIVED!  And as long as you numb yourself you will never be content in the moments, you will never love the skin you are in, you will never be happy with the simplicity that life has to offer.

Get REAL, stare your shame and your guilt square in the eye and tell it you are NOT fanning it’s flames any longer!  Reach out to us!   Listen, we give you the drops, you follow the book… you go on your way… But if you are really, really, struggling still that’s the part that we love about our Company – the chance to change lives forever and help set people FREE!

worthy

The quest for body perfection has become a tricky little bastard with a tricky little way to fool you…  It has wrapped itself up in “health”… as in, if you keep trying to get a perfect body you will be healthy… like counting every calorie and tracking every rep is a healthier way to eat and exercise…. Like having “6 pack” abs is a definition of health.  I have my own ideas now about extreme exercise that I won’t share – I really, really, want to end the cycle of judging others and how they choose to take care of their bodies but I also want other women to know that it’s okay to question this…. That it’s okay to wonder how exercising to the point of injury is “healthy”.

I recently had a very interesting conversation with a woman about this judgment.  We were talking about family vacations and she indicated that when they vacation with their whole family they really have to consider her father-in-law who has had 2 hip replacements since he was 55.  Yep, that’s right first hip replacement at 55.  He had always been an extreme athlete, played football through high school and college.  Often played when he was injured.  Then, he became a runner and often continued running against medical advice.  As she started to express how bad she felt for him I stopped her and I asked her how she would feel if her father-in-law was fat.  If he was obese and because of this obesity he had required 2 hip replacements in less than 20 years.  She agreed that this was a very interesting question – that many would see an obese person requiring these surgeries as a “they did it to themselves…” and cast judgment and possibly say derogatory things about the cost to our healthcare system.  And really, what’s the difference?  Her father-in-law mistreated his body too – just because his mistreatment made his body look good didn’t change the fact that his health was compromised by the way he treated his body.

I remember, before children, when I was “imaginary fat” – I always used to commiserate with my friends that I just wished that my body would reflect how hard I worked at the gym… Ugh, I want to hug that woman, and then slap her…  My body did reflect how hard I worked – I just didn’t “see” it… I will never quite understand how I managed to convince myself that if I just worked out harder and ate so much less that somehow that would make my legs and my torso longer…  it’s true, I was striving for a body that only someone a good 4 or 5 inches taller than myself would ever have!  That certainly speaks to the effective brainwashing of the diet and exercise industry.

In any event, I guess I am ready to change the dialogue – ready to ask the tough questions of people and how they view their own bodies as well as others.  It’s time to shift our attitudes about health and realize that the quest for skinny has never been about that.

body health

I met with a client yesterday and much of her story resonated with me… we both have been on “diets” and the quest for weight loss since before we were 10.  We both had mamas that struggled with their weight.  We both have 2 little girls that we will give anything, ANYTHING to not pass these body-image issue onto!

Through this whole process I have never said I am on a “diet”… I try my best to not moralize food… we don’t say certain foods are “bad” for you or “good” for you… we just talk about healthy choices.  I also try very hard to let my kids follow their hunger cues….  But there are things that are far more important than this….  They are watching and listening.  They see me look at myself in the mirror, they watch me step on the scale…. they listen to me talk to my friends… and as my husband says

“little cabbages have big ears…”

In just a few years time my influence on my daughters when it comes to body image will no longer be as substantial as their friends or the media so I have some work to do and I think it is of the utmost importance that they learn from a woman who feels good about her body and her appearance – but it’s a fine line too right?  I want to send the message loud and clear to them that what they look like is  just about the  smallest  part of being a WHOLE good person.

They are listening mamas… but not to the lip service you pay them when you are making their lunches or choosing a snack…  They watch you get ready for a date with their Dad, they see you turn and turn in front of the mirror and then frown, they hear you say the “F” word to your friends (FAT)….

If I succeed at one thing in my life – giving my girls a healthy attitude about their bodies would make me so proud… Listen to yourself today, watch yourself today… Could you do things differently?

body image scale

Oh my friends… having some weird times lately.  Feeling stuck, feeling overwhelmed and then feeling numb.  I realize that I have spent so much of my life in the pursuit of weight loss that I don’t know what to do with this free space in my head – so I dip my toe in the possibilities and everything comes rushing at once and I want to do it all… RIGHT NOW!  So… back to stuck again… and I run through the cycle.

So in noticing all of this lately – something else has been cropping up… some little part in my noggin’ that I thought was gone has started picking on me again… Those “After” pictures that I was so proud of 2 or 3 months ago are starting to look different to me. I am starting to criticize them and “find the fat” if you will.  It’s like this track in my brain wants to keep playing the same old song and dance and the only way it can get me to do that is to change what I see so it can keep me a prisoner of how I feel about my body.  So, now, instead of feeling proud of my “After” pictures I start to see where I could lose some more weight, where I could “tone” things up, where I need to ask the people that I’m coaching for forgiveness because I know my body isn’t “just right” so who am I to tell them how to change theirs???  Ugh, so gross.

So, now I see the cycle of the last year and everytime that asshole in my head started to pick on me and my body I would do another round of protocol… I would change my “After” picture a little bit more…  but something has changed that’s bigger than just an “After” picture…  I acknowledge that over a year ago when I was contemplating doing my first round of protocol I remember negotiating my little deal with the Universe… I remember saying “if I could JUST get there…” (with my weight) “I’ll be happy… I’ll be satisfied…”  and guess what? I’m there.. and most of the time I am happy and satisfied – but oh that asshole in my head!   I see decades… yep, I said it DECADES of wishing for a body I was NEVER going to have… Even when I was “imaginary fat” I was ALWAYS chasing 5 or 10 pounds…. 5 or 10 pounds kept me away from body satisfaction and made me a prisoner to diet and exercise…  So I see it now, truly – that even another round of protocol is not going to be the cure here…  It’s NOT about my body…

So… my solution?  No protocol.  Just maintenance. Just living. Just learning to treat my body with love and respect. Just yoga. Just sex. Just eating good food when I’m hungry.  Just celebrating life as it is.   Just being in THIS body. Right now.  To let who I want to be realize that I want to be so much more than a pant size or a number on the scale.  That I NEED to teach two amazing little girls that how much physical space they take up in this world is irrelevant to who they are and how much spiritual space they must contribute!

What a waste… what a waste… what a waste…. time to focus on things that I CAN change….

waste

People get the impression that we are promoting an “Effortless” way to lose weight, one where you essentially starve yourself and don’t exercise…. Let me be quick to clarify that essentially our RELEASE drops create a hormonal response that encourages your body to burn your abnormal fat cells as fuel…. You are NOT living on 500 calories per day… actually, you are living on about 3500 calories of your own fat per day!!  That is why people lose so many inches… I could get into the politics of why it gets a bad rap (the diet and exercise industry certainly don’t want people doing something that actually works ;)) but also, like anything with alot of hype there are sub-standard products out there that don’t actually have hCG or the vibrational hCG in them… so it IS a starvation diet… No hCG means you are not getting the hormonal response that makes you burn your fat as fuel… you will lose water and muscle.. that is why people that use sub-standard products look gaunt and unwell… they are essentially starving!

What the protocol does – if you really want it to – is finally RELEASE you from the rollercoaster of gaining and losing and gaining again… You won’t have to obsessively exercise to release 5 pounds because your metabolism will be re-set again.  You can RELEASE yourself from the guilt and obsession that comes from making food a moral decision and beating yourself up about not exercising for 90 minutes everday. You can create a world for yourself where movement is once again about pleasure and food ,REAL FOOD, is once again fuel for your body.

There is also talk that the protocol is easy… I suppose it might be for some… Maybe they aren’t as messed up as I am? Maybe they haven’t been on the weight loss quest since they were 9.  Nothing about this has been easy… It takes alot of courage to face your demons head-on.  It takes some serious courage to admit that you have a food addiction, to admit that you have some serious body dysmorphia, to admit that you think about your body and the way it looks way more than is normal or important… It’s embarassing to admit those things – I am a smart, confident, dynamic woman who has so much more to offer the world than how much space I take up in it!

obsession

I have considered alot over the last months of my RELEASE journey about what my life would look like if all of the time I spent obsessing about my body, my weight, the amount I exercise, all the journalling and measuring and weighing…. what if I had focused that on something that REALLY mattered? Something that made a difference and enriched other people’s lives?  What if you did that? What if we did that together?