When you are trying to overcome your demons surrounding food and abusing it… turning to it for comfort – it’s important that you identify your triggers.  Some are very easy: stress, sadness, lack of sleep, frustration.  Some live buried deep in your psyche and seriously conspire to find ways to get you to crack and ultimately over-eat and satisfy that addiction.

The trigger that is buried deep in my psyche is the fact that my 3 year old daughter has Cystic Fibrosis.  Coming to terms with her diagnosis (which came when she was 3 weeks old) was a rollercoaster of every phase of the grieving process and somewhere along the way food became my biggest solace.  Not everyday, I didn’t abuse food everyday – these are the justifications that we create to make ourselves feel better and maintain an otherwise healthy lifestyle.  However, abusing food at anytime is extremely hard on your body – your entire hormonal system.

So, let’s abuse some food, feel tremendously guilty about it the next day, thereby over-exercising, eat well for awhile but don’t deal with the issues that cause you to abuse food, so you go and overeat again, lather, rinse, repeat…

This past week the community of Cystic Fibrosis parents watched as a little boy literally faded away in hospital finally succumbing to Cystic Fibrosis and dying.  It was by far my most painful experience with CF in a long time and the reality of what CF is slapped me down hard.  The little trigger in my brain wanted me to eat, very, very, badly.  I spent most of the week being very irritable or depressed (like a junky who needs a fix) and then finally, when I read a post from his mother praying for strength and her confession that she was pretty sure she couldn’t take this…. well, I caved and I ATE!

What I discovered about myself is that my trigger was a doozy – it was untouchable – it was extremely justified and therefore no one would dare mess with my need to overeat (not even the sensible side of my brain).  Really, would you tell a mother who has to face a reality that her daughter has a progressive, degenerative disease with no cure to not have those chocolate chips?  You’d probably whip her up a batch of cookies and tell her to go to town!  This weekend I realized that no one was going to tell me to stop – except for ME, MYSELF, and I.

I had come up with strategies to cope with situations that arise in life that might make me want to overeat – except for that one.  On some level, I kept that one protected, secure in the knowledge that it was UNTOUCHABLE, that no one was going to tell me to stop that one because the hurt and pain that justified it was like a shield of protection.  No one except me – except for that authentic piece of Kelly living in my soul that could deal with this broken piece of Kelly with just enough compassion and grace.  So I explained to this part of my psyche that this wasn’t helping me heal, this wasn’t helping me cope.  In fact, it took such a toll on my spirit and my physical body…

And THIS is what I love about what we are doing here and creating here.  Here is a place where you (and obviously I) can finally escape these prisons created by the morality of food and our justifications to abuse it…  It’s like a deep cleansing breath that starts a new day.  If you want a new day and the fresh air that comes with it – don’t hesitate to reach out.  E-mail me, call me, send smoke signals…click here  I’ve been there and I really, TRULY want to help…

road to recovery

Advertisements